Would You Like Some Cheese?

I realize it has been a while.  Too long actually.  Sometimes something happens in my head and I think I'm invincible.  I make one good decision and it negates not only the 100 bad ones I made yesterday but the 100 terrible ones I'm  going to make tomorrow as well.  Fuck accountability!   Who needs that shit?   

Me obviously...  

Let me back track a little bit.  I had a plan.  It was perfect.  It was amazing.  It was easy.  I planned it out.  What I was going to eat.  What I was going to avoid. I planned for the binge.  And how I was going to beat it.   I planned absolutely everything.  Except my failure.  Who plans to fail?   How was I to know that Nabisco was gonna come out with S'moreos?????   Was that really necessary?

I digress.  

In February I decided to go 99 percent paleo.  Sadly I feel those around me are much safer if I continue to drink my diet soda at the moment.  I will provide a 24 hour notice to my friends and family when I finally decide to give it up!   So... 99 percent.  Not too bad.  And I jumped right in.  And for the most part it has been super easy.  If I have a craving for something, I find ways to satisfy it.   I have yet to crave something I couldn't find a paleo recipe to cure.   And my family has been super supportive.  Especially my daughter, who is constantly saying to me, "Mom, did cavemen really have pancakes?"   I just love her sometimes.  Especially with duct tape over her mouth. 

So everything has been great.  I have lost weight.  Quite a bit actually.  Around 15lbs.  So what's the problem?  Such a good question.  I wish I knew the answer...

Something has happened to me over the past few weeks and I've just stopped caring.  I will eat clean for a few days and then decide to eat something I know I shouldn't.  And it makes me ill.  And not the, I just binged so of course I feel ill, kinda ill.  Like physically ill.  I have spent the last 4 months putting absolutely nothing in my mouth that isn't natural and unprocessed.  Most food I eat does not come in a package.  But when it does, the ingredients are simple.  Contains: almonds,salt.   The end.  So imagine if you will what happens to my entire body when I eat something that contains soy lecithin, dextrose and TBHQ.  WTF is that anyway?  (Shhhhh....   It's an antioxidant that keeps the peanut butter inside those chocolate cups from becoming rancid!). But I'm not here to rant about food or the thought of eating rancid peanut butter. 

I digress (again?)

Suddenly I'm stuck somewhere between I'm gonna get my shit together and win this battle and life's too short so fuck it, let me eat whatever I want.  Sigh...   That's a terrible attitude to have.  Like the lil old lady from late night tv infomercials, I've fallen and I can't get up.  And the battery in my life alert is dead.  And I keep pressing the button. And nothing is happening.   I just want to care again.  I want to remember that I am worth it.  I'm worth everything.  

When did I become such a whiny, needy, insecure crazy bitch?  Thanks a lot TOM!   You always fuck everything up.

Do Not Pass Go... Do Not Collect $200

Another Binge...  Blah!

I am smack dab in the middle of a very nice three day weekend and while I wish I could say we went somewhere extravagant like rafting down the Nile river or something, the break away from work was good enough for me. 

Unfortunately, being away from work also takes me away from my routine.  I usually make the effort to walk during my breaks and lunch at work racking up my 10,000 plus steps before I even get into my truck to drive home.   THIS DID NOT HAPPEN!

I cannot entirely blame the 3 day weekend for my indiscretions.  Plural.  It started earlier this week.  Those damn Valentines Day Cup Cakes at work.  And because the first one didn't send me into sugar europhia, I did what any normal human being would do in my situation.  That's right...  I licked the frosting off a second one.  And remained completely unashamed in doing so.  

And so the story begins....

By this morning I had eaten myself into oblivion.  Seriously...  If it was eatable.  I ate it.  

Now I would never blame my weight or eating habits on anyone but myself. And I'd like to think I usually eat pretty healthy, but my husband eats whatever he wants.  And I must confess there are days (the last 4 for instance) where I wish I could do the same thing and not gain an ounce.  I must have assumed this to be true because during my binge I found myself consuming things like a wood chipper.  Shoving things like donuts and toast slathered in Nutella into my mouth as fast as my teeth could turn them into pulp. 

When the entire package of Mega Stuffed Oreos went missing in the night, my husband either did not notice, or kindly pretended he didn't.  I think maybe he thinks this is something that women just do.  Occasionally plunging head first into a giant bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, turning them into a tornado of chocolate wrappers, like in the Cathy comics.  

Now... Immediately following a binge  I am filled with a great deal of guilt over what I have just done to my body. What I have done to sabotage everything I have worked so hard all week to accomplish. And also because there are starving people in the world and I can't resist this horrendous compulsion to shove spoonfuls of Mac n Cheese into my face so quickly I can't even taste it. And I wasn't even hungry.  

I fantasize about living in a place where all my food choices are made for me...

Like Jail!

I Want Candy

This week sucked.  Seriously.  

Between my wacked out emotions, goodbyes, hellos and nice to meet yous, I am surprised I made it through the week in one piece.  Maybe I should not speak so soon. 

It wasn't entirely bad.  It never is.  But in retrospect, the bad definitely outweighed,  with no pun intended.  

I'll start with the good. Of course I'm always thankful for my friends and family and all of the wonderful days I get to spend with my husband and kids. They are always on the good side, even when my kids are being bad.    I am also happy to report...

I got the promotion I applied for. (And looked damn good doing it too!) This was certainly cause for celebration.  Now how did I celebrate?  

Bring on the bad.  

Like a Girls Gone Wild episode of The Best Thing I Ever Ate, my inner fat girl did everything in her power to find the best thing "she" ever ate.  And she denied herself nothing. 

As it turns out, the Toasted Marshmallow Smores cheesecake is still by far the best thing ever.  But that wasn't for lack of trying.  I worked very hard to find it a worthy opponent.  Unfortunately, nothing came close.  At least not during this run. 

Sadly I must report that the "healthiest" meal I ate this week looked exactly like this...

Equally sad... The healthiest thing I can say about said meal is that it was "gluten free". 

Big F-ing deal!

And why the binge this time? (That apparently lasted for days instead of just hours.)  I wish I knew.  I have racked the inner depths of my being to find a decent answer.  All I can come up with is that my need for an extremely intense carbogasm was much greater than my actual desire to be thin. 

I recall having this exact conversation with a friend this week at work.  "I wish I was thin."  I remember saying to her.  I immediately followed that statement with, "well I guess that isn't entirely true otherwise I'd stop shoving all this shit in my mouth that makes me fat to begin with."  She didn't have to agree with me.  We both knew I was right. 

And so after many cookies and donuts and terrible meals.  And let's not forget the cheesecake.  I stand here trying to shove my ever expanding ass into my favorite pair of jeans.  Certainly I must realize they are 1 Oreo away from being too small. (Maybe 2). 

If I know I can do this.  And I know it is completely within my control.  Why don't I do it?   

What is stopping me?

Nothing today.  Today is a good day. Maybe today is "the" day.  Today is always the best day to start.  

Sake To Me

I must say I have learned a lot about food and drink benefits over the past 52 days.   But sometimes it is hard to discuss the benefits of alcohol, because I do not drink.  Tonight however, Ty Ku gifted us a bottle of Sake, and I am supposed to discuss the health benefits of it vs other alcoholic beverages.  Normally I would do this simply by reading, but today I thought, what the heck.  Why not drink the bottle?

Just kidding!  While some days I wish I drank, believe me, I do, I just don't do it.  And I am not about to start.   So thank you to Google for helping me with this task today.

Sake can help prevent liver cancer.  It is also excellent in stress reduction as is other alcoholic beverages.  It increases good cholesterol and helps to remove LDL (the bad stuff) that is accumulated in the blood vessels by transporting them to the liver.

While I don't think most people actually drinks alcohol to remain warm, Sake is known for keeping the body warm longer than other alcoholic beverages, which means better blood circulation in the body and brain.

There are also some very interesting uses for Sake that are beyond the ordinary.  It has been used by workers of sake-breweries as medicine to cure burns and cuts, remove freckles, cure chaps and cracks, and smoothing the skin by actually bathing in it.  

Sake has a very high Selenium content, which protects cells from damage, and is normally found in tuna, flounder and scallops.

And lastly, these days Sake is being used for its health benefits in skin care and beauty.  Because it is rich in amino acids, it has become a key ingredient in many cosmetics.  

As for me...  I won't be drinking it anytime soon.   But that does not mean I am opposed to testing out those soft skin benefits in the hot bath I am about to retreat too.  :-)

Forever In Blue Jeans...

Just not the ones I want to be wearing...

17 days and counting.  And I can honestly say I have come a long way. I also still  have such a long way to go.  But I am taking it one day at a time, and staying strong, and becoming stronger with every step.  So today's task, while I am sure was meant to be inspiring, did not quite turn out that way for me.

The little black dress is a campaign sponsored by Coca Cola that supports people getting back into that outfit that they outgrew by becoming healthy.  And our task today was to show the world our "little black dress."

So here is mine...

A pair of size 8 jeans, complete with tags still attached, that I purchased just weeks before everything went south, so to speak.  And yes, I tried them on.  And at one point, they did in fact fit.  When I look at them, hanging in my closest, I always think to myself that I am getting close.  That one day I will get there again.  And then, I was hit with today's task.  It really was an eye opening experience.

I asked my husband to take my picture holding them up to me.  And in the first picture I took, I noticed I was hiding behind them, instead of just holding them up to me.  Which really did not show me what I wanted to see.  So a second was snapped.  But he hates it when I fake smile.  So insert smart ass husband remark and behold...

Yes.  That is my rear end peaking out from the sides of those jeans.  Holy heck, I still have so far to go. I am no where near "close" and honestly it is hard to believe that these jeans once fit me at all.  

But I will get there.  One day at a time.  

I Love Myself Today...

Not like yesterday...  (Bif Naked, for those who have no clue.)

18 days left in the journey, and it is time for me to reflect on things so far.  On how I am feeling.  Both physically and emotionally.  So we will start with the easy one.  Physically, I feel great.  I feel stronger than ever.

I feel like I could take on the world, while upside down, with headphones in my ears.  :-)   In all seriousness though, I do feel amazing.  I find myself pushing harder, running longer, and striving to reach goals I never would have even imagined setting in the first place, cause there was no way I was going to complete them.  Or even come close.  But that has all changed.  I know now that I am only limited by what I allow myself to be limited by.  So bring it on world.  I can take it.

Over the past 7 days, I have walked/ran a total of 38.32 miles.  To me, this is a huge accomplishment and it has given me the courage to attempt to complete the original goal I set for myself.  In my original blog post about my goals, found here, I mentioned that one of my goals was to be able to run with the girls that I coach.  And this Thursday, when we have practice, I am going to do it.  I have been contemplating this all night.  Worried that I wont be able to complete the run.  But then I realized what I stated just moments ago.  I am only limited by myself.  If I want to run, I will run.  And I will complete it, because I know I can.

*************************
Now, emotional...
This is a different story.  

Emotionally, most days I feel ok.  But there are some days that I am frightened.  I am frightened of something that is going to seem really stupid.  But I am frightened of failure.  I worry about letting everyone down.  Everyone that invests their time in reading my blogs, or liking my posts or watching my silly YouTube videos.  I worry about letting my family see me struggle.  I worry that if I have an off day, what kind of looks or comments I would get from those that know my journey, if they actually saw me give in to the doughnut, or the snickers bar.  (Both of which I must confess I have had during this 60 day journey.)  But I can't feel this way.  I cannot feel bad for the choices I have made.  I am not perfect.  I am only human.  I will struggle.  I will fail.  I may even flop around on the floor like a fish out of water all while throwing a fit about who knows what.  But I will also be successful, as long as I believe I can be.  As long as I believe that I am.  I have to learn to know that those wonderful friends, loved ones, family members and even acquaintances that support me aren't looking at me in horror for wanting a piece of candy or a cookie.  They are not standing by watching and waiting for me to fail.  They are there to support me.  Through every bit of it.  They will be there regardless.  So with that I must say goodbye to the pressure that I have placed on myself.  For it was not placed there by anyone else but me.

Thank you to everyone.  Your support has meant the world to me, and while I can now say that I could have completed this journey on my own, I certainly wouldn't have wanted to.

Here is to hoping that the 60 day results look just as amazing as the first 30 days!

Groove Is In The Heart

I love music.  In the car. At home.  At work.  I am always listening to something.  And my taste in music is quite unpredictable.   I love all types, from rap, to hip hop, to some good old country music. I am also known in my family for being the one who finds a new song and plays it on repeat until it is literally no longer enjoyable.   So usually when I am working out, I tend to just put my phone on shuffle and listen to whatever comes on.  I also like to listen to the chart toppers on iTunes radio and even enjoy a few mixes on Pandora every once in a while.   If I am going outside for a walk or doing any other type of exercise, I am not too picky on what I listen to.   But... when I run, everything changes.

Running is new for me.  And it is something that I am learning to enjoy.  But it is by no means easy for me.  Some days I don't think I am going to make it through my program.  I do of course.  But I have to constantly remind myself to push through it.  I have gone through a few different play lists in my journey to become a runner.  And really only one works for me.  It is a little odd I suppose.  Especially since it is entirely by one artist.  And some would probably even have not so nice, off the wall things to say about this artist.  But when I need an upbeat, keep pushing harder, get through this workout type song, Britney Spears always seems to be the one that does it for me.   And especially during this Genghis Grill Health Kwest Challenge, I need  to push more that ever.

With that said, I give you my interesting mix of Britney Spears music that keeps me going day after day.  Turn on the treadmill, fire up Spotify, hit the shuffle button on my running playlist, and I am on my way.