I realize it has been a while. Too long actually. Sometimes something happens in my head and I think I'm invincible. I make one good decision and it negates not only the 100 bad ones I made yesterday but the 100 terrible ones I'm going to make tomorrow as well. Fuck accountability! Who needs that shit?
Me obviously...
Let me back track a little bit. I had a plan. It was perfect. It was amazing. It was easy. I planned it out. What I was going to eat. What I was going to avoid. I planned for the binge. And how I was going to beat it. I planned absolutely everything. Except my failure. Who plans to fail? How was I to know that Nabisco was gonna come out with S'moreos????? Was that really necessary?
I digress.
In February I decided to go 99 percent paleo. Sadly I feel those around me are much safer if I continue to drink my diet soda at the moment. I will provide a 24 hour notice to my friends and family when I finally decide to give it up! So... 99 percent. Not too bad. And I jumped right in. And for the most part it has been super easy. If I have a craving for something, I find ways to satisfy it. I have yet to crave something I couldn't find a paleo recipe to cure. And my family has been super supportive. Especially my daughter, who is constantly saying to me, "Mom, did cavemen really have pancakes?" I just love her sometimes. Especially with duct tape over her mouth.
So everything has been great. I have lost weight. Quite a bit actually. Around 15lbs. So what's the problem? Such a good question. I wish I knew the answer...
Something has happened to me over the past few weeks and I've just stopped caring. I will eat clean for a few days and then decide to eat something I know I shouldn't. And it makes me ill. And not the, I just binged so of course I feel ill, kinda ill. Like physically ill. I have spent the last 4 months putting absolutely nothing in my mouth that isn't natural and unprocessed. Most food I eat does not come in a package. But when it does, the ingredients are simple. Contains: almonds,salt. The end. So imagine if you will what happens to my entire body when I eat something that contains soy lecithin, dextrose and TBHQ. WTF is that anyway? (Shhhhh.... It's an antioxidant that keeps the peanut butter inside those chocolate cups from becoming rancid!). But I'm not here to rant about food or the thought of eating rancid peanut butter.
I digress (again?)
Suddenly I'm stuck somewhere between I'm gonna get my shit together and win this battle and life's too short so fuck it, let me eat whatever I want. Sigh... That's a terrible attitude to have. Like the lil old lady from late night tv infomercials, I've fallen and I can't get up. And the battery in my life alert is dead. And I keep pressing the button. And nothing is happening. I just want to care again. I want to remember that I am worth it. I'm worth everything.
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